Anonymous asked: I was just curious as to what you think of girls who have rape fantasies?

this is a tricky question, but in my opinion, ravishment play (the term used for roleplaying a rape fantasy) falls in with all other bdsm play. in other words, it’s okay as long it’s with a trusted partner, you’ve discussed your boundaries beforehand, a safe word is being used, and everything is absolutely one-hundred percent consensual. this is essential, though. if you want to engage in this type of play you MUST thoroughly discuss it with your partner first.

as far as simply having the fantasies goes, there’s nothing wrong with it at all! everyone gets turned on by different things, including some things that should never actually be acted on. but just having the fantasy in itself is nothing to be ashamed of. you can’t help what turns you on.

a consensual exchange of power (usually the goal of ravishment play) is nothing to be ashamed of. as long as both partners provide enthusiastic consent and stop immediately if either partner expresses discomfort with what’s going on, then there’s nothing wrong with playing out those types of fantasies. it’s certainly not for everyone, but for those who choose to do it, it can be very rewarding and fun, just like any other sexual act.

Anonymous asked: my last boyfriend pressured me to do sexual things with him, and i never wanted to. it was completely coerced. we didn't actually have heterosexual intercourse, but we did a lot of other things, and i hate myself for it. i feel guilty and repulsed whenever i think about it, and sometimes even when the topic of sex comes up in general. i feel like i was raped and idk what to do :( it bothers me so much. do you think it counts as rape?

yes, absolutely yes. any time you do something sexual that you don’t want to do it is rape.

you have to understand that this isn’t your fault. something terrible happened to you, but nothing you did made that happen and you didn’t deserve what happened to you. no one deserves to experience that kind of pain. i’m really sorry that you had to go through that.

the process of healing after sexual assault is difficult and it takes time. it is just that, a process. i would seriously suggest that you talk to someone you trust, or go to counseling to discuss the issue. you can also call the RAINN hotline, or contact them via their online hotline. they’re trained professionals who will willingly talk to you for free about what you experienced and how to heal afterward.

what you feel is totally valid, and i sincerely hope that you can eventually come to recover. if you ever need anyone to talk to, i’m here for you.

Anonymous asked: I hate myself after I have sex too. How do you stop this from happening?

i don’t know your situation, so i can’t personally advise, but i can tell you what’s been changing with me.

basically, i’ve been depressed for the better part of the last eight years or so. and that depression had become pretty much debilitating for about the last two years. to the point where i wasn’t getting out of bed for days at a time, barely eating, completely stopped caring about all the things that mattered to me, and just generally hating myself all the time. i was self-medicating a lot and acting in impulsive, often self-damaging ways to try and curb all the bad feelings that were constantly present. this often meant having sex with all the wrong people, because i thought feeling wanted would make me feel better. and in the end it just made me feel worse, because these people wanted me for all the wrong reasons. there was no love or real affection there, just lust and boredom.

a year ago, i started going back to therapy. this helped for a while, and i started to regain some control over my life, but then i went to college. such a huge change in my day to day existence shook all the progress i’d made and brought me back down to an even worse place. i started having a lot more sex that ended in self-hatred. the impulsive decisions started to cause problems that were far less temporary and a lot more life-damaging. the bad feelings got so much worse that i was feeling openly suicidal much of the time.

i ended up seeing a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and prescribed an anti-depressant that i’ve been taking for a little over a month now. i’m working hard to notice and control my impulsive decisions, because i realized that no matter how bad i feel, i can’t act this way if i want to be a functioning adult. this has largely meant making more careful decisions about who i have sex with and when.

obviously, my situation has been pretty complicated, and yours may not be similar. that’s just how i’ve been dealing. as general advice, i would say try to make sure that you’re having sex for healthy reasons (i.e., love, caring, mutual attraction) and not as a tool for self-medication, or because the risk of it all gives you a temporary rush. that’s where i got into trouble. make sure you’re having the safest sex possible, because trust me, when you know you’ve got all your bases covered you feel a lot better after the act itself.

if these feelings of self-hatred are persistent, talk to someone you trust. i’m not even saying it has to be an authority figure, because i always hated when people told me that. it can be a friend, a sibling, heck, it can even be the waitress at your favorite restaurant if that’s who you can confide in. i’m not picky! hating yourself generally isn’t a healthy feeling, and the best thing you can do for yourself is talk about it. if the feeling is hinged mostly on sex, then maybe you should talk to the person you’re having the sex with and try and pinpoint the problem.

i hope i was able to help some, and if you ever need to talk more, i’m always here!

Anonymous asked: Well im a guy and shes a girl and she hasnt ever done anything sexual before, but i have. so i was wondering if maybe it would be wrong to be the first to do that to her or something going by the rigid social construct of virginity

there’s certainly nothing wrong with being the first person to engage in a specific kind of sex with a partner. the both of you should talk about the situation and decide if you want to take that step together. communication is key in this situation and you should talk to her about what sexual activities she is and isn’t comfortable engaging in. however, if she seems to genuinely want to have sex with you and you’re being safe, then i see no reason why you shouldn’t.

also, i would urge you to think of sex not as something that anyone “does” to anyone else. sex should be something you do together, because you both want to, and because it is pleasurable for both of you.

Anonymous asked: Have you ever taken anyones virginity? or more than one? is it something to be taken into consideration before sleeping with someone, or is not really? i was wondering what your take on this is

this is a somewhat complicated answer, because i very seriously question the concept of “losing” one’s virginity. virginity is a social construct, and in itself a state of mind. you lose your virginity when you stop feeling like a virgin, and really you don’t have to “lose” anything. this means that loss of virginity is a unique experience defined by each individual person.

also, if we look at virginity through that metric, an individual doesn’t necessarily have one single virginity to lose. for example, someone may have vaginal sex the first time and on a completely separate occasion have oral sex for the first time. both of these experiences have emotional outcomes and may make the person feel as though they’ve lost two different kinds of virginities. further, differing sexual and gender orientations may give opportunity for a plethora of different “virginties”. the rigid social construct of virginity as first time penis-vagina sex blatantly ignores questioning individuals, queer individuals, trans individuals, and every other orientation that is not cisgendered and heterosexual.

and really, why does having sex for the first time mean you have to “lose” anything? sex is an emotional and physical experience that can be deeply enriching and eye-opening. besides, sex is about pleasure. so, asserting that experiencing pleasure would have some negative connotation such as losing a part of yourself seems pretty wrong to me.

here’s an absolutely fantastic scarleteen article on the topic: 
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/politics/magical_cups_bloody_brides_virginity_in_context

i know that i have been the first to have certain types of sex with some people. to them, that may have felt like a loss of some type of virginity, but i certainly can’t answer that question for them. i definitely don’t want to think that i took anything from anyone. i hope that any first time experiences i shared with any partner were positive and rather than taking something away from those people, would give them instead an opportunity for pleasure and emotional connection. of course, i know my own first-time experiences and i know that some of them were not that rosy or wonderful, and i wish i had chosen a different person or situation in which to share those experiences so they might have been for both me and those partners.

to answer your question most completely, i do think that both your own experiences and your partner’s should be taken into account when deciding whether or not to engage in sexual activities and if so, which ones. because all different kinds of sex have deep and long-lasting emotional implications, they should be treated with care. you should have a conversation with potential partners about both of your experiences, limits, boundaries, and comfort levels. ensure that whenever you have sex, and especially when it is a first-time experience for either partner that you are attentive and observant of how you’re both feeling. if either of you is uncomfortable with what you’re doing, you should stop.

a first time experience with sexual activity of any kind can be beautiful and it can bring two partners together in a very intimate, pleasurable way. to ensure that your experiences and that of your partner are that way, make sure you’re ready and that you both want to be doing what you’re doing with the person that you’re doing it with.

i hope i helped, and if you ever have any other questions, don’t hesitate to ask me! i’m always here to help in any way i can.

Anonymous asked: i think i'm asexual.

and that’s totally okay! asexuality is a 100% valid sexual identification, just like any other. it’s often one of the most misunderstood, but that doesn’t make it any less real. our culture puts a lot of focus on sexuality and sexual expression, so i know it can be hard to feel like you just don’t fit into all of that.

discovering your sexual identity is a deeply personal and important process. and it’s just that, a process. it takes time, and self-reflection, and self-acceptance. but ultimately, whatever identity conclusions you come to are completely valid because they’re right for you. no one else can tell you what your identity is, and i’m not asexual, so i can’t give you a lot of personal experience with this, but i can tell you that much.

here’s a great article that might help you out: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/am_i_asexual

i hope that helps! and if you ever need anyone else to talk to, know that i’m here.

Anonymous asked: Im a virgin and I want to lose it to a virgin. Im nineteen by the way, and a girl and i dont want to date someone younger. Think that is way too idealistic and unrealistic in this day and age?

i don’t think that’s unrealistic at all. losing your virginity is personal and it needs to be in the situation where you’re most comfortable. if that means being with someone who’s also a virgin, then that’s fine.

i’m sure you’ll find a person who’s right for you in that aspect and every other. it just takes patience, which i know is hard to hear. believe me, you’ll be so much happier in the end if you don’t rush into it with the wrong person.

Anonymous asked: I'm a virgin surrounded by sex. Everyone around me has sex, and it's no big deal. But when I think about it, it is. It's a huge deal. And I don't know why. I feel like there's this tremendous pressure on me to have sex, and I'm in a relationship that seems to be heading that way. They've had sex before, I haven't, and that bothers me. Not in a moral or jealous way or anything, but something about it makes me uneasy. Probably not a question you can answer, but how do I shake that feeling?

i understand exactly how this feels. the only thing i can really tell you is to try to be comfortable in your choices. there’s no reason for you to have sex until you’re ready, but i know that it can feel like an unsaid social pressure. you’re very strong already for not having sex before you’re ready to, even though it feels like everyone around you is. i know how difficult that can be. 

you should really talk to your partner about how you’re feeling and what pressures you feel from them and those around you even if those pressures aren’t being vocalized. the key in this situation is continual communication. this is a big decision that is mostly yours, but also, your partner’s. it’s a conversation and a mutual agreement of boundaries and limits that has to come from the two of you. it’s most important that you both be in agreement on what you’re ready for, even if social influences would dictate otherwise.

also, if you ever feel like you need someone else to talk to who can be objective about the situation, i’m here. i’m by no means an expert, but i am really flattered that you felt safe coming to me about this and i’ll help in any way i can.